Tiersu sat on the steps, watching the celebrations start. Her sisters sat beside her, and around them their friends; young men and women waiting for the dancing to really begin. Finally it did, and in small groups and couples they wandered down to the fairground. Before long, only Tiersu was left watching the dancers, with an expression that could be mistaken for thoughtfulness or a deep concentration.
Although one of her sisters had gone without a backward glance, Kinu, the oldest of the three, kept returning to the silent girl on the stairs. Finally she came and sat beside Tiersu, not speaking.
“She wouldn't be cross, 'Su,” she said at last. “Not about you enjoying yourself, or laughing or thinking of other things.”
Tiersu didn't reply. Kinu sighed, and carried on:
“I know it's hard now she's gone, but... Grandmama would want you to be happy, you know. To live your life, not wait to join her in the Mists. Our people here in Tyria have lost their abilities to speak with our ancestors, but that doesn't mean they're gone forever.”
Tiersu looked at her sharply. “I know,” she said at last. “It's... it's just hard to focus now she's gone. This is me, and I can't switch off knowing I won't hear her voice; won't kiss her cheek, or blow on her soup. It's hard to forget, even though it's been months now.”
Kinu nodded. “It is hard, 'Su, but that's why carnivals and festivals are so good. You dance, and get caught up in the mood. It helps – even if only for a while.”
Tiersu looked up to see a pang in her sister's expression which matched her own. She sighed, and stood, dusting off her clothes. They merged with the crowds until they found themselves with a group of their peers dancing, drinking and laughing. Kinu brought Tiersu a drink of spiced wine; a “don't tell Papa” treat to celebrate the holiday.
Tiersu smiled a little and took a sip; it was a sharp but not unpleasant taste. By the time she had emptied her glass by sips and small mouthfuls, her cheeks felt warm and she was able to smile with more feeling. The dancing was picking up, and before long she had a partner she vaguely knew; the elder brother of Emille, an old friend she had drifted apart from over the years.
As the night wore on and the drinks flowed, couples wandered off in slow but steady numbers. Despite herself, Tiersu had been caught up in the excitement and euphoria, and compliments from her dancing partner had gone straight to head. She'd been kissed before, and knew the intentions behind his embrace when he wrapped his arms around her waist.
Tired, both emotionally and a little physically, she leaned into his shirt. It was exciting in a way, to let go of the grief for just a while and let kisses make her happy again. She had no objections when he led her away from the dancing, to somewhere they could be alone.
*
It was just after dawn when she crept back into the house. Her parents, blissfully, were asleep. That was a blessing Tiersu thanked the Six themselves for. Kinu had left a note on her bed, which she read slowly and carefully in the morning's light.
“Told Mama and Papa you were staying with Emille tonight. It's even true, in a way. Love Kinu.”
Tiersu felt a weight ease from her mind. Things were bad enough without her Papa getting involved.
She sat on the bed and furiously blinked away the itch in her eyes which promised tears. After all, it was no one's fault but her own that she'd misunderstood.
Tired, and a little sore, she curled up in her bed and let the grief back in, to take the sting of humiliation away. Of course it was only a one-off. Everyone did it, it seemed, so why had she thought it would be anything more?
Because you wanted the first time to mean something, her treacherous brain informed her. Because you made a mistake and you feel like an idiot. But you don't have to make that mistake again.
As she drifted off to sleep once more, she promised herself she would make sure that next time, everything would be right. No matter how long it took.
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